Bloodrayne

Bloodrayne

3 out of 10

Running time: 1:35

MPAA rating: R (Strong bloody violence, some sexuality and nudity.)

Peruvian rating: Mayores de 18

Cast: Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen, Matthew Davis, Will Sanderson, Geraldine Chaplin, Udo Kier, Meat Loaf, Billy Zane, Michelle Rodriguez, Ben Kingsley.
Director: Uwe Boll
Script: Guinevere Turner
Photography: Mathias Neumann
Score: Henning Lohner
Distributor: Romar Entertainment

It's amazing how Mr. Boll continues to make films. Not happy with such garbage as House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark, Uwe decided to release yet another videogame adaptation: Bloodrayne. The most amazing thing of all, though, is that he was able to attract several A-list actors to his new project: Michelle Rodriguez, Michael Madsen, Ben-freaking-Kingsley... the list goes on. One would have thought that having such a well-known cast would have made a film of his more bearable but, sadly enough, things aren't like that: Bloodrayne is as awful as any of Boll's previous videogame adaptations, if not a little (and I mean a LITTLE) better. Yeah, the bad dialogue, awful acting and laughable direction are still there, but at least we've got Kristanna Loken instead of Tara Reid. And a confused-looking Ben Kingsley is better than a constipated-looking Christian Slater, right?

At least we can say that Bloodrayne is more faithful to its source material than Alone in the Dark. (An easy feat to accomplish, actually.) The film tells the story of Bloodrayne, (Loken) a Dhampir (half-vampire, half-human), who escapes a freak-show in Rumania and meets a fortuneteller (Chaplin) who tells her that her mother was raped by the king of the vampires Kagan (Kingsley) who, in fact, is her father. She, of course, decides to go all revengeful and kill her father.

So, the movie's basically a revenge story, right? Well, it's one of the lousiest revenge stories I've ever seen. Let's start with the acting, OK? Like I said before, a film with pretty decent cast such as this can't be that bad, right? Well, it seems Boll managed to take all these fine actors and make them act as bad as they could. Ben Kingsley looks incredibly bored, Michael Madsen actually looks stoned, Udo Kier acts like Udo Kier, Billy Zane seems to think he's doing some sort of comedy (he has the only amusing lines in the whole picture) and Michelle Rodriguez looks out of place; she acts the same way she's been acting ever since she appeared in Girlfight. On the other hand, Kristanna Loken seems to be the only one trying to inject some energy into the proceedings, but she can't deal with the horrible screenplay all by herself. She bites and kills people and has filthy sex, but all's done with the same facial expression: confusion. (By the way, it seems Uwe Boll can't even direct sex scenes... come on!)

In technical terms, the film's more or less on the same level as Alone in the Dark. (Meaning... awful.) Again, Boll has grabbed a pretty dark and horror-themed type of movie, and tried to convert it into an action film. The thing is, apart from being incapable of directing a horror movie, Boll hasn't got a clue about directing action. The movie's full of quick cuts, tight shots, senseless action scenes, and ridiculous amounts of blood. (You know, Kill Bill amounts of blood... but in a crappy sort of way.) Like I said before, even the gratuitous sex scene is badly shot and the film's plot seems to be of no importance to Uwe Boll. Much like he showed in his previous efforts, he only cares about hot babes (in this case, 19th century hot babes clad in leather outfits) and action, action and MORE action.

So is Uwe Boll getting better? I guess. Bloodrayne is pretty bad; actually, it's unwatchable, but the presence of a couple of respected actors and Kristanna's hotness make it a tad better than Alone in the Dark. I guess that in a couple of hundred years Boll will be able to make a decent picture. (The trailer for this year's Postal is somehow amusing - yet offending - but looks awful nonetheless.) In the meantime, he'll keep shooting horrible videogame adaptations with idiotic scripts, horrible performances and laughable special effects. I wonder if Boll wants to be the new Ed Wood. He does seem to be on the right track.